In conversations with people (for instance potential employers) who find out 'apparently creepy things' about me, it appears that I still don't have a good to-the-point story. It's time I write down some things, point by point, to help a few people form their opinion.

So without further ado:

The "help, is Roderik a paedophile?!?" FAQ

(Though if you're curious, it's OK if you read on...)

You're lying and hiding things! You're a paedophile! I read it myself!

I'm not lying, and I'm not hiding anything.

I'm just giving the best possible answer to what people really want to know.

If this subject comes up, it always appears that people immediately wonder if I'm having sex with kids, or if I'm doing something to 'promote' sex with kids (whatever that may mean exactly), or if I can be trusted with kids, or if I'm secretly going to pressure them into sexual things, etc.

So you don't need to worry. No, I'm not doing anything wrong. That's been proven for the past 20 years. By the way, I do sometimes have contact with children 'to whom I would pose a danger' and their parents. Most of these parents are aware that I have 'special feelings' for children or have discussed this with me. Still they don't have a problem with me. They know what I'm really like.

That is why my answer is: I'm not a paedophile. Because people immediately connect the word 'paedophile' to problems which have nothing to do with myself. And nobody has a problem with me.1

But employers do have a problem with you! You're talking about that on your own web site.

That's not really true. Read it. No single employer or colleague has ever told me they have a problem with me. I am a reasonably social, productive and cooperative worker who is good at his job, and can be talked to about anything. At the same time (just like in my daily life) I'm not outspoken about the subjects that I'm talking about here. These are opinions for which I see a general usefulness in writing about them, nothing more. In my daily surroundings, this 'fuss' is not an issue and I am not a person to push opinions down people's throat. I have never experienced or felt that someone at work had issues with me.

There are employers who have said they are afraid that others will have problems with me, despite themselves not having a problem. (Which has obviously never come true, so far.) That's why they are refusing to hire me for (further) work, or denying me contact assignments with their clients. Well, this of course is a self supporting unfounded fear.2 If it ever once really happens that colleagues/cients make an issue out of me, these people will have a point. Until then... I just don't get it. My work is in IT projects, not in child care. And not in public affairs either; I am not an 'outward face' for a company. And I will really, honestly, not secretly start molesting little computers. Promise.

There have been some people (interim staffing agencies) who have stated they have a problem with my opinions which they read on the internet. I've just never had anyone actually tell me what the problem really is, and what's so dangerous/frightening about the things I write. They seem to be saying this without really thinking about it, and I can't really do anything with that. I believe they're mostly just saying this as an easy excuse to get rid of me (see previous paragraph).

But you are attracted to kids! Then you are a paedophile, right? You're sometimes saying that yourself?

Please think a little about what you say, just like I am doing here.

Yes indeed, I'm attracted to kids. I like young boys, and I think they're also 'sexually attractive'. If that makes me a 'paedophile': fine. I'm not bothered about the word. I also use it, among people who get what I mean by it. And if someone calls me a 'pedo', I don't have any problem with that, as long as it's clear what that person means by it.

Because if I am a paedophile, then a paedophile is not automatically a danger to children. Because I am not a danger to children; I've been proving that my whole life.
If I am a paedophile, then a paedophile is not automatically someone who's preoccupied with kids (or aiming to 'groom' them). Because I'm not doing that.
If I am a paedophile, then a paedophile is not automatically socially dysfunctional / someone who has problems interacting with adults. Because I'm not.
If I am a paedophile, then a paedophile is not automatically a frustrated 'ticking time bomb'. Because I'm not; I've been proving that my whole life.
If I am a paedophile, then a paedophile does not automatically match the criteria in the DSM-IV manual of psychological disorders, and does not automatically need psychiatric help or supervision. Because I don't; I've been proving that my whole life.
If I am a paedophile, then the overwhelming majority of things which are said about 'paedophiles' by (quasi) scientific literature or bold politicians, are not general truths. Those studies and statements almost always concern groups of people that I'm not part of. (Mostly sex offenders.) So they don't say anything about me.
If I am a paedophile, then a paedophile does not automatically lead an unhappy life. Because I'm really content with mine.

And this also goes for a lot of 'paedophiles' who I've met over the years.

You can also turn it around, if you think that is easier:
If all paedophiles indeed are/do things which I mentioned just above... then I3 am, by definition, not a paedophile!

Are you seeing the pattern here?
The word 'paedophile' is just being used for such different things, these days. That's too bad, that's confusing, and I'm suffering from that too... but I can't do a whole lot about that. I'm not the word police, I don't have any power over the word 'paedophile' and how it's being used.
And if 'we as a society' (media, law enforcement, psychiatric world, etc etc) use the world 'paedophile' for different things, we'll need to think about how we use it; otherwise we are creating confusion.

So if you want to call me a 'paedophile', go ahead.
As long as it's clear what you mean by it. And what you should not do is call me a paedophile, then turn around and say random things about 'paedophiles' that I have nothing to do with. The fact that you're using the same word for those things, does not mean that somehow your statements are magically linked to me.
People who are creating that confusion on purpose by creating untrue links and at the same time leaving out part of the truth about me in their stories (like e.g. Wikisposure people), are really just committing libel.

But, but, but... but... [insert obligatory negative/defensive remark here]

Relax, chill. Allow yourself the time to get used to the idea. Keep breathing, in... out... in... out... Need a paper bag?

I'm sorry if your world view is now falling to pieces. It would be a lot more convenient for you if anyone who's attracted to kids, would be a bad person!!!!, I understand that. But truthfully, that's not the case. I can't make that any easier, sorry.

But rest assured. I have been able to cope very well with the idea that I myself am a 'pedo'. And if I can cope with that, then it will be possible for you to get used to the idea as well.

Whatever you exactly think of me, is completely up to you. But the following is still true: I do not lead life as a 'ticking time bomb'. I am not a case like you read about in sensationalist press. My life does not revolve around kids, I'm not sexually frustrated and not unhappy.
I just happen to be somebody with a special kind of 'attraction', and who deals with that with a good sense of perspective. 15 years ago that was difficult for me; it isn't anymore. And I'm not the only one. There are probably many people your own neighbourhood with paedophiliac feelings that you don't know about (which are totally harmless and you probably don't even want to know).

What I should probably mention, is that in practice I'm 'just gay' (except I have much less of a need to roll into bed with someone, than average).
This is something that people often misinterpret. The only thing which 'I have paedophiliac feelings' means, is that I feel (also sexual) attraction toward children, in my case boys. And that I, on average, find these boys more attractive than boys in late puberty / adults. But that doesn't mean that I am only attracted to young boys. I have had relationships with people my own age, and that will probably happen again. This is (among others) because I do not wish to get stuck in my life and just focus on things/people I can't get. Somehow life's always a little different than you invisioned beforehand, and I appreciate that. After all, not everyone who falls for blonde chicks with big boobies, gets blonde chicks with big boobies, right? And not everyone who doesn't get blond chicks with big boobies, automatically leads a failed life full of frustration, right? Well then! I personally don't feel that special/unhappy.

And something else: the fact that I am attracted to young boys, also does not mean that can only look at them in a sexual way. Ofcourse not. I really like just interacting with kids and I appreciate them for who they are. In practical situations (as opposed to in my head/fantasies) I do not notice much of that sexual attraction. I hardly feel any tension in that aspect. And that's logical, really. Because with the kids themselves, there is (almost) no interest in that sexual aspect, so at that moment it isn't present with me either. If you're happily playing soccer or talking or running around or... whatever, with boys, it's much nicer to just be doing that, and enjoying the moment and the contact, isn't it? It wouldn't feel nice to be wasting those moments by being preoccupied with how sexy they are and how frustrating it is that I can't... etc etc, now would it? Real life is too nice to let it be wasted by unrealistic throughts in the back of your head (which we all have). It isn't that hard; that 'not letting things be wasted by thoughts' is very natural.

But a huge lot of people don't seem to get that. Because they don't dare to think anything else than 'danger!!!' when the subject 'paedophiliac feelings' comes up. The only thing that frustrates me, really, is that people who don't know me, seem to want to talk me into frustration. I apparently have to have difficulty keeping my feelings under control. So I have to be a 'ticking time bomb' to a lot of people... and to another lot of people I apprently have to have a real hard time with myself and be unhappy. Because that's the image of me that they can understand.

Well, sorry, people, I have news for you. Despite the fact that society has not exactly helped me with this (on the contrary), I have always had the personal goal of accepting my paedophiliac feelings (because the feelings themselves are positive, and I can't switch them off) and fit them into my life in a good way. And not get stuck in frustration or self pity, but take my own responsibility to build a constructive life and keep evolving as a person.
I have succeeded in this (despite the fact that I have encountered much more opposition and negativity than help and confidence), and I'm proud of it. I'm also proud of the fact that I am (/ have been) friends with some boys and their parents, who know about my feelings, and are OK with that. Because the parents know they can trust me and that I do not bother anyone with 'this attraction'. And they also trust that if something would be off in the contact with me and the kids, they would immediately hear about it. (I have reached this point through some afwully nervous moments and awkward communication, because I had no examples of how to do it. But anyhow, I have reached it.) I'm also proud to say that I've never encountered a person who knows me and has told me that I'm doing something wrong.

I repeat: whatever you exactly think of me, is completely up to you. You don't need to like me, you don't need to trust me. But it would be really nice if people would stop projecting their own frustrations and fear of this subject, onto me. I'd enjoy it if some people showed some sense of perspective and humor, and just made some crude joke about it or so, once in a while. I won't bring up this subject often myself, because I know how uneasy it makes some people... but for me you don't need to tiptoe around it.

But if there would really be nothing wrong, like you say... Then why do you talk about it? You're calling the trouble upon yourself! So don't act so difficult and just keep it quiet!

That is a very good point. (And now the discussion gets interesting for myself as well.)

If were doing this for myself, it would indeed be dumb. I didn't start writing about paedophilia because I feel personally discriminated against or in need of recognition. It's true that I was preoccupied with the negativity and fear in internet discussions, displayed by paedophiles as well as non-paedophiles... around the year 2000. It was a sort of a personal challenge to grow over that[Dutch link]. That has worked, and the reactions I've had from people in my surroundings are normal/positive enough to not feel like an 'outcast'. I can live normally without experiencing my feelings as a secret that weighs heavy on me. That's all I need.

So if I liked to lead a quiet life, it would have been better to just shut up and delete all my writings from around 2000. I would be able to keep contact with a few boys in the neigborhood, and would probably have volunteered for some kind of mentor project for school kids, or have become a trusted neighbor in some other way, without ever causing big trouble. I'd be able to do that more easily by now, since I'm over my fear of myself and of other people's reactions.

But I'm not doing this to make my own life more comfortable or be able to get into contact with boys more easily. I'm doing this because I like doing something useful for society. That urge to make things better has always been part of me. And I know that in this subject I could really mean something, in a way that almost noone else can. Because, unlike many people, I've tried to build a bridge to 'society', and have gotten over the fear of giving a solid opinion about paedophilia. And I think this opinion can be useful for a lot of other people.

This has grown slowly. While my own little life was already pretty much in order, I stumbled onto internet forums for 'boylovers'. I've made a lot of friends there with people I respect, and seen that many other people are also handling their feelings well and constructively. I also experienced how good it can be for someone with paedophiliac feelings, to have contact with other people who you can talk to normally about yourself.
But that's what people never hear. There are a lot of people who can really use some better information and opinions. Those are paedophiles who will run less of a risk to become a 'danger to society' through that information, but also parents and outsiders who will be able to use this information to handle the subject with less fear and more confidence.

I started seeing that the opinions I gave there, were appreciated. Although almost nobody dared to 'build a bridge toward society' for fear of their names being known, I did meet others who saw the use for it and who had plans. Once in a while we held interviews with an interested student, had a few talks with youth chapters of political parties, and I have cooperated with a number of TV shows/documentaries (which have not all been aired).
Through a.o. postive feelings about the earliest conversations, a group of people have set up the forum pedofilie.nl[Dutch], which went online june 2004 and is registered in my name. It's not set up in the most professional way (for lack of time) and therefore a bit of a mess. But someone who looks further, sees it is appreciated. Messages are posted by not only paedophiles but also students, people who have been abused in their childhood, parents of kids, teenagers, people who have experienced things in their youth but do not feel abused at all, and the occasional scientist/psychologist. Information/opinions are exchanged normally. Every year it grows a little bit towards the 'bridge between constructively thinking paedophiles and non-paedophiles' that we were hoping for.

This is an enormously scary subject for many people to give their real opinion about, but a lot of people appear to really appreciate the fact that others do speak about it. Since its inception, noone has protested against the website.4 Also in my personal life I have not been bothered by anyone. Some people (parents of kids I knew, people at my non-children-related volunteer work) found out that I had been on local TV about something related to 'paedophilia'... Some awkward conversations followed, but noone has permanently terminated contact with me. My life went on.

So all was OK, and the whole subject was embedded a little bit into my normal life. That's how I wanted to continue.

This is why I talk about the subject.

But you're suffering damage now, right?

Yes indeed, I'm suffering damage. For years I've had nothing to complain about... but at the end of 2007, the tipping point was reached; I bit off more than I could chew.

The MARTIJN association was taken to court on the basis of lies. I read a defense statement in the court room, because nobody else would. Suddenly I appeared on a national TV 'gossip program', with a small (harmless and true) quote, and the presenter just had to make an indirect accusation in front of nearly a million viewers. Suddenly my name appeared too prominently in Google results through news items, the work of Yvonne van Hertum and other anonymous haters. Suddenly Yvonne approached an ex employer about my 'actvities'. Suddenly Tommy Hilfiger Europe, where I worked at the time, decided one week after the court case (when I had been working without problem for four days) to tell me not to come into work anymore.

So since then I've lost tens of thousands of Euros and a big part of my built up pension, because I've largely been living out of my own pocket. I'm building a new career in another branch of IT (websites/programming web applications) where I am not so dependent on a subworld full of recruiters and impersonal large companies with HR departments who hold image over normal human relations. Now after two years it's starting to take off, and I hope to get a reasonably stable income out of it, though it will make much less than my assignments as 'IT consultant' from 2004 tot 2007.

Unfortunately it remains tough, because in this sub world there are also companies who do not want to hire me. Recently I had been hired for an IT consultancy job at ING Bank, but (a miscommunication with) Tommy Hilfiger Europe has tanked that job before I started.

So now you're going to remove your website and statements about paedophilia, right?

That's what everyone has assumed for years. But I am not planning to give up.

It's not that I want to make my important life's work out of 'the paedophilia discussion'... but quitting now would do too much damage to my sense of freedom. First of all, now that attention is focused on me, I would forever have to keep my mouth shut and watch what I am saying, out of fear someone is going to spread stories about me again. I do not want that. I at least once in a while want to be able to voice a useful opinion about something I happen to have some expertise on.

Secondly, it would do too much general damage to a useful discussion. Because I cannot transfer ownership of pedofilie.nl (and a few other sites) to someone else. Noone has the guts to attach his name to it. And if you look at how I lost my IT related work through publicity about this subject, you can see why.
And unfortunately pedofilie.nl is one of the very few sites trying to bridge this gap between paedophiles and society, and where it is possible to freely talk about some things with paedophiles and non-paedophiles. That is also logical, for the same reason. I think that's a shame; I have no desire to fulfill an almost unique role in society... but at this moment it is still true. (I hope this situation might be solved by in the end making pedofilie.nl a bit more professional, so that more people will dare to recognize and support the usefulness of the web site.)

Thirdly, this is a matter of principle. I do not consider it a good thing to censor useful opinions and information out of fear for other people's untrue statements. This is a much wider subject which will keep its urgency in the coming years. In the current media driven time, too much power is handed over to people who 'just shout out some things', and the importance of content and truth is still diminishing. This has an ever bigger negative influence on being able to do really useful things that help our society move forward. (Want examples? I really don't have to give any; just look at USA politics in general.) I am getting more passionate about this by the year. I don't want to live with this, I don't want to hand out power over me to 'those people who just yell stuff', I want to go against that current. If that needs to be done on an ultra difficult subject like 'paedophilia': so be it; I can't do much about the fact that this is 'my subject' at the moment.

What ofcourse plays a big role in this, is that I am still able to handle this financially (and socially). I have given thought to this beforehand, when I started to open my mouth a little more every time. I have been living in an attic room for over a year now because of money issues, but in my circumstances that is still not a problem.

Slander is indeed being posted about you on the internet. Why don't you get that taken off?

The biggest liars, WikiSposure, are in the USA which is way out of my jurisdiction. There are people there who cannot be convinced to do something wise. Starting a court case from here will not have merit; others have tried.

Google will not just take down search results, but will point at the source: the people who have published the pages.

For the rest, image is of course working against me. It's about paedophilia here, and I'm talking openly about the subject myself. So for many people, it's hard to see what is and isn't slander. You first need to read for at least ten minutes, before having a good view of the issue. And people don't do that, so they're not very willing to cooperate.

I fear that my only option will be: just continue, slowly gather support and prove the slanderers wrong with that. (But if someone knows how I can get rid of that WikiSposure page: be sure to tell me.)

You do a lot of talking about 'usefulness' and stuff, but it's about paedophilia. I still think what you're saying is creepy and dangerous!

If you can tell my why something is creepy/dangerous... If you can tell me something that I am saying, which would work out negatively for (for instance) the well being of children... Please tell me. Because I don't see it, and I would appreciate feedback on the content of the discussion. (As opposed to all this 'waaah you're a pedo so you are creepy' crap, which is getting really old by now.)

If you think I am Creepy & Dangerous and you do not want to discuss why, because you just don't want to think about this Creepy & Dangerous subject: I have good news for you. You don't have to think about it. Other people will do that for you. Those other people have every opportunity to point out, in what way I am Creepy & Dangerous, especially because I'm being open about everything. So you don't need to be involved. You can do your thing, I can do mine, and we don't need to be in each other's way.

You say you're not a danger, but that is impossible. All paedophiles are a ticking time bomb! You can't be trusted!

I don't even want to try and alleviate this kind of distrust. I think the opinions of parents who do know me personally, and the fact that I am now 36 years old and have not done anything wrong, and am approachable about any of my actions (unlike a lot of 'secretive pedos'), should count for something by now.
But if you don't think so: fine. I'm not bothered. I'll stay out of your way, will you stay out of mine?

As long as you don't act like the big majority of people share your view, because that's just not true.

You can say whatever you want, but you're not getting near my children!

Hey, fine. Why would you think that I would want to be, anyway?

I like interacting with children (especially because I don't do it very often), but I'm not especially seeking them out, and I really don't want to hang out with children with distrusting parents. I don't want to be more important to a child than their immediate surroundings, and I don't want to be a source of fights or confusion, happening around your children.

If your kid has taken the initiative for contact with me: well, ofcourse then things get more difficult. I'm sorry that you now need to think about a difficult subject; I didn't do it on purpose. Just talk to me, tell me what you do and don't want me to do. I'll try my best to be approachable and not offended, and we'll work things out. Preferrably with some sense of what your child wants himself, because he(?) is not a thing either.

• 1. I'm consciously not counting anonymous hidden internet screamers, because they don't know me and are only talking to the image in their heads. They never talk about anything that has do with my daily life, and usually they throw in a couple of lies about me. That's easy enough to see if you read through the negative pages about me. Not that I advise doing that, because lying internet screamers are better off ignored... but you could see it easily enough.
• 2. However unfounded that fear may be: by now it has cost me tens of thousands of Euros worth of missed assignments...
• 3. and the same is true for a lot of people who I've met over the years who are attracted to children.
• 4. That is, noone protested except Yvonne van Hertum, dedicated publicity whore without a life, who has been active on the internet under a dozen aliases - and by now got convicted to 2 months jail time by an appeals court for slander (in a case which isn't related to us).